A day of rest

Hi my dear blog. I have taken a day of rest, feels weird to skip training.

Usually I always have something on after work, meeting someone, training.

Now that I am free to do whatever I want from 7.30pm till sleep time, it's starting to feel unusual.

I dreamt a strange dream. It was about her, about us talking about me waiting for her. The content of the dream wasn't strange, it was somewhat a norm. Usually it's either we're talking about being back together or not being back together. Does my inner heart really want to be back with her?

I can honestly say that I will love her all my life. But the love is not strong enough to want to be back together. Emotion says yes, logic says "If you're not going to change, I'll never agree to it".

I really do love her, however her character irks me. Her refusal to change for the better, her unrelenting grip on her pride all suggests to me "it's never going to work".

However enough indulgence of fond memories and possibilities.

The main strange occurrence in the dream was that, the girl wasn't her. It wasn't her face, it was another beautiful normal looking girl. And her brother (in the dream) was my friends' brother. I was already confused in the dream. It's like watching the same drama except the actors have changed. (It) Looked really strange to me.

However, I am really looking forward to see if this girl appears in real life. She looks real, just like a normal Chinese female. I would love to woo her if I ever meet her. Though the contents of the dream was more about not being together so it kinds of foreshadows the notion.

On the other hand, I'm always playing games because there's no one to pay any attention to me. She in the past didn't pay much attention to me, did what she always wanted to. I don't think she ever noticed that I didn't touch my PSP or NDS when we went out to somewhere I wanted to, someplace I longed to. Why did I have to play the loser, why did I have to play the boyfriend who was insufficient? I guess I'll go down in official history amongst those who knew the both of us. Who gives a fuck? I do. But due to my nature, I'll just wait passively for the day karma throws her the same bullshit. I long to see that day happen.

Today, I went to help out in the warehouse. Looking at the whole thing, I actually put in effort to remain anonymous. Why do I always want to remain anonymous? I pitched in, helped by doing things fast. Did anyone notice? Who gives a fuck about Nathaniel anyway. Did you? At this time when you are reading my blog, on the 14th of July, did you give a fuck about who I am, what I did, was I an important person in your life etc etc? (I) Didn't think so.

Loneliness engulfs me. Yet I prefer to remain unnoticed. I only long to be noticed by my efforts, by my hard work, by someone who truly loves me and cares for me. As I was parking my motorcycle, I even began thinking of the notion of having a voice in my head that cared. Imagine having a sweet female voice that encourages you when you're down, chats with you just like a caring girlfriend or spouse. Other than not being able to interact physically, it's going to be like she truly knows when you are happy or when you are sad.

I just wonder if I will develop any mental symptoms or weird stuff like hearing voices or being schizophrenic. Maybe my true self will emerge as another character. Sounds like fun in a way. Like an angel or demon within yourself. I definitely hope not though. That means living an abnormal life, though I already think I am not of the norm. I grew up being a recluse and began to be more of a recluse when I get mocked by people for moving out of the shell. That happened in primary school. Was it a trauma? Yes definitely.

This seems like a long story that I am typing today. Why it's only 7.44pm. I'm sitting in my room and not doing a thing except feeling hungry and sleepy. I'm pathetic. I began to doubt my own faith, Christianity and God in some ways. I'm going through a terrible phase in my life.

The pain is starting to flow back. Whenever I'm tired or in a really stressed situation, I start getting emotional and think of all the hurts and pains of the previous relationship. The biggest question I will always be asking is "Why?". "Why do I have to bear this burden while you continue living a life that looks greener on the other side?".

"I put in so much into this relationship and you threw in all away in less than 3 months. 8 years thrown away in 3 months. All you could say that 'It just happened' and 'You shouldn't have agreed to the breakup.'."

Do I deserve this? And do you deserve your happiness? It's true, the one that puts more into the relationship is hurt more than the other.

I hope you suffer an emotional pain as excruciating and torturous as you have gave me. Though I doubt that you have the mental fortitude to bear it just as I have.

Please, let me see it with my own eyes when the day comes.

Weekends and my dreary existence

Another dreary weekend.

I feel non-existent, like I'm forgotten by the world.

Today is only the 10th. I'm not sure how I can survive until the end of August.

Also, in truth I'm not ready for another relationship. I just want someone to understand me, to hold me, to spend time with me.

I'm not ready for another girl, I haven't shook off the fear of another break up yet.

It's like, what if, I enter another relationship only to have to break up again? It's the equivalent of strapping a time bomb to my fragile heart. It's already wounded, need I place it in the line of danger again?

Existence seems to be near meaningless for me. Relax my dear blog, suicide is never an option to me. I intend to see through this life, no matter how meaningless it feels right now. I love food, I love singing, I love games (though it's a tad of waste of time), I love girls ;P (my partner I mean, I'm not exactly a Casanova, though I'm single now).

I look up to the sky at times and wonder, how little and insignificant am I. Even if I were to die right now (for some reason), would friends mourn me? I know they would. The real question is what would the difference be for me to be alive or dead. How would I affect their lives after my death? I wouldn't be missed really, due to my reclusive nature. Friends usually know me as someone whom can be depended on but not when you're looking for someone to chat with, someone to fellowship with or to go out with.

In that sense I am non-existent until a friend remembers me because of old times sake or if they need help in which I have the expertise. Does it matter even if I accomplish something great in my life? If it isn't great enough to impact others why does it matter? I feel dead though alive, feeding only the mortal shell that strives to live till tomorrow and then it goes again in a cycle.

I hope I have something good or positive to blog about, though I doubt it. Even progress seems to wane in meaning, fade to black and white in the face and presence of loneliness.

Oh my empty soul, what ends do you seek? What purpose drives your birth and journey to the end? Tell me, Nathaniel, tell me.

Been's a while

It has been a while since I've last posted something.

I have decided to return, since I don't really like the idea of posting everything on Facebook or somewhere similar.

I would just like to pen my thoughts, yet too lazy to write in a diary.

Seems like this personal blog would be a good place to start.

Have joined a boxing gym since I returned from reservist.

You can check it out at singapore-boxing.com.

I noticed my frame getting slightly bigger, maybe due to the shoulders, since I have to train my shoulders for punching stamina/power. It has been a month since.

The coach shocked me by asking if I was ready for my next fight. Most likely there will be one in December.

I'm not really a fan of hurting people, though the thought of adrenaline pumping in a fight excites me.

I've improved my running stamina as well (for a 2.4km run after 30 minutes of warm up, skipping mainly), from 14 minutes to 10 minutes 43 seconds. I'm looking to hit the 9 minute mark just like my peak.

I'm reserving my thoughts and refraining from thinking that I'll be faster without the warm up.

If I can hit the 9 minute mark with the warm up exercises, then even without I should manage.

Still, I'm currently improving on my punching form. Next would be weaving stamina and punching stamina.

I only have about 5 months until my debut novice match.

Here's how I have improved over the month:

Running stamina

Forearm and finger strength (My injured pinky was hurting in the first few sessions, now no longer)

Footwork

Every training seems to help me in releasing some stress and anger and I've begun to foster an attachment to the gym. Mostly I have been taking advice from Coach Dick, Coach Kadir seems to be pretty busy most of the time.

7-8 hours of sleep doesn't seem to be enough, I guess it's just my body complaining. It should get better in a month or two after my stamina really climbs.

Saw a huge rainbow as well, wasn't really excited though I was hoping to have someone by my side to look at it with.

Tried to know a girl recently as well but she's attached, so why did Adriel introduce her in the first place :|

Got pretty upset when the old memories come back. What did I do to deserve this? I'm hoping and still waiting for justice to be done.

Gotten in pretty bad financial status as well, used up my advanced salary (because I thought it to be my commission) and commission has ceased since February.

Oh well... sucking it up and pushing on.

Hope to be able to improve myself further, like getting a nice body and posting videos of me singing and stuff. Not enough motivation and confidence for that yet.

See you soon blog.