Usually I always have something on after work, meeting someone, training.
Now that I am free to do whatever I want from 7.30pm till sleep time, it's starting to feel unusual.
I dreamt a strange dream. It was about her, about us talking about me waiting for her. The content of the dream wasn't strange, it was somewhat a norm. Usually it's either we're talking about being back together or not being back together. Does my inner heart really want to be back with her?
I can honestly say that I will love her all my life. But the love is not strong enough to want to be back together. Emotion says yes, logic says "If you're not going to change, I'll never agree to it".
I really do love her, however her character irks me. Her refusal to change for the better, her unrelenting grip on her pride all suggests to me "it's never going to work".
However enough indulgence of fond memories and possibilities.
The main strange occurrence in the dream was that, the girl wasn't her. It wasn't her face, it was another beautiful normal looking girl. And her brother (in the dream) was my friends' brother. I was already confused in the dream. It's like watching the same drama except the actors have changed. (It) Looked really strange to me.
However, I am really looking forward to see if this girl appears in real life. She looks real, just like a normal Chinese female. I would love to woo her if I ever meet her. Though the contents of the dream was more about not being together so it kinds of foreshadows the notion.
On the other hand, I'm always playing games because there's no one to pay any attention to me. She in the past didn't pay much attention to me, did what she always wanted to. I don't think she ever noticed that I didn't touch my PSP or NDS when we went out to somewhere I wanted to, someplace I longed to. Why did I have to play the loser, why did I have to play the boyfriend who was insufficient? I guess I'll go down in official history amongst those who knew the both of us. Who gives a fuck? I do. But due to my nature, I'll just wait passively for the day karma throws her the same bullshit. I long to see that day happen.
Today, I went to help out in the warehouse. Looking at the whole thing, I actually put in effort to remain anonymous. Why do I always want to remain anonymous? I pitched in, helped by doing things fast. Did anyone notice? Who gives a fuck about Nathaniel anyway. Did you? At this time when you are reading my blog, on the 14th of July, did you give a fuck about who I am, what I did, was I an important person in your life etc etc? (I) Didn't think so.
Loneliness engulfs me. Yet I prefer to remain unnoticed. I only long to be noticed by my efforts, by my hard work, by someone who truly loves me and cares for me. As I was parking my motorcycle, I even began thinking of the notion of having a voice in my head that cared. Imagine having a sweet female voice that encourages you when you're down, chats with you just like a caring girlfriend or spouse. Other than not being able to interact physically, it's going to be like she truly knows when you are happy or when you are sad.
I just wonder if I will develop any mental symptoms or weird stuff like hearing voices or being schizophrenic. Maybe my true self will emerge as another character. Sounds like fun in a way. Like an angel or demon within yourself. I definitely hope not though. That means living an abnormal life, though I already think I am not of the norm. I grew up being a recluse and began to be more of a recluse when I get mocked by people for moving out of the shell. That happened in primary school. Was it a trauma? Yes definitely.
This seems like a long story that I am typing today. Why it's only 7.44pm. I'm sitting in my room and not doing a thing except feeling hungry and sleepy. I'm pathetic. I began to doubt my own faith, Christianity and God in some ways. I'm going through a terrible phase in my life.
The pain is starting to flow back. Whenever I'm tired or in a really stressed situation, I start getting emotional and think of all the hurts and pains of the previous relationship. The biggest question I will always be asking is "Why?". "Why do I have to bear this burden while you continue living a life that looks greener on the other side?".
"I put in so much into this relationship and you threw in all away in less than 3 months. 8 years thrown away in 3 months. All you could say that 'It just happened' and 'You shouldn't have agreed to the breakup.'."
Do I deserve this? And do you deserve your happiness? It's true, the one that puts more into the relationship is hurt more than the other.
I hope you suffer an emotional pain as excruciating and torturous as you have gave me. Though I doubt that you have the mental fortitude to bear it just as I have.
Please, let me see it with my own eyes when the day comes.
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