I feel non-existent, like I'm forgotten by the world.
Today is only the 10th. I'm not sure how I can survive until the end of August.
Also, in truth I'm not ready for another relationship. I just want someone to understand me, to hold me, to spend time with me.
I'm not ready for another girl, I haven't shook off the fear of another break up yet.
It's like, what if, I enter another relationship only to have to break up again? It's the equivalent of strapping a time bomb to my fragile heart. It's already wounded, need I place it in the line of danger again?
Existence seems to be near meaningless for me. Relax my dear blog, suicide is never an option to me. I intend to see through this life, no matter how meaningless it feels right now. I love food, I love singing, I love games (though it's a tad of waste of time), I love girls ;P (my partner I mean, I'm not exactly a Casanova, though I'm single now).
I look up to the sky at times and wonder, how little and insignificant am I. Even if I were to die right now (for some reason), would friends mourn me? I know they would. The real question is what would the difference be for me to be alive or dead. How would I affect their lives after my death? I wouldn't be missed really, due to my reclusive nature. Friends usually know me as someone whom can be depended on but not when you're looking for someone to chat with, someone to fellowship with or to go out with.
In that sense I am non-existent until a friend remembers me because of old times sake or if they need help in which I have the expertise. Does it matter even if I accomplish something great in my life? If it isn't great enough to impact others why does it matter? I feel dead though alive, feeding only the mortal shell that strives to live till tomorrow and then it goes again in a cycle.
I hope I have something good or positive to blog about, though I doubt it. Even progress seems to wane in meaning, fade to black and white in the face and presence of loneliness.
Oh my empty soul, what ends do you seek? What purpose drives your birth and journey to the end? Tell me, Nathaniel, tell me.
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