Strange Sensation

I just had a dream... A dream that I've dreamed of many years ago while I was in secondary school. While I was aged about 12-16. I'm now 24.

Strange thing is, many memories of other dreams that I have before all came up, I started to remember many other dreams...

I started to remember people during that time. The strange thing is, are those people real? I had a couple of people whom I had a very thin friendship with. I was their CCA senior in library. Those people were vaguely familiar.

The question: There is a girl in my memory but extremely hazy (not that I have any deep relationship or liking whatsoever) that was tomboyish and very dark skinned for a Chinese. I think I called her Chao Da or something. Is this person real? Am I starting to lose the difference between a dream and reality? In my hazy memory, sometimes I walked part of the way home with her before parting, because I stayed near school.

I have asked this question several times but, is she real? I'm not concerned with who she is or will I have a chance to meet her. But is she real? Am I starting to grow an inner self/getting schizophrenic? Or have I merely suppressed my secondary school memories?

Being in a half asleep yet consciously awake is like having my conscious mind linked briefly to my sub conscious. It feels terribly real and yet terribly just like an illusion. I felt like I lost my mind back there. In the future I might want to get a psychiatric evaluation or hypnosis to pull out my memories.

A letter to my first love

Thus details the chaotic waves of emotion that has plunged me to the depths of hell and back many a time:

After you have left me, my heart was full on many accounts.

When my heart was full of love, I prayed for you to turn back so that I could love you once more.
When my heart was full of hatred, I prayed for you to turn back so that I could make you feel the pain that you left me behind with.

Now that my heart is empty though laced with regret, I pray for you not to turn back; For if you do, I neither have the heart to love you once again, nor the heart to hurt you by turning you away.

For if you do come back, I will only be facing my conscience of hurting your heart when I don't have the intention to.

Go forth and live life in bliss, turn back not, not for me.

~Nathaniel

Alone in the dark

Work work... Working as usual...
Took a coffee break.

Sat in a corner in the recreational area and drank my coffee.
When it's dark and I'm alone in the office, my thoughts start to run wild...
No not about ghosts and stuff... I don't get to see those anyway...

I start thinking about Elinna and the relationship again. I also saw her online but what can I do? I can't message her anyway. She told me to stop contacting her.

Sitting there with my coffee and running wild in my head about thinking about her and why this, why that...

It only happens when I'm alone by myself in the dark. When people starts flooding into the office I become normal again... Or maybe I have to act normal... Not sure...

I just know that people don't really give a damn about other people because everyone is busy with their own lives. Yeah so... work work...

Trying to move on but stuff just comes back to haunt me daily...

I see you in my dreams

I still have that hate message on my MSN.
I'm leaving it there so that when you read it, you can move on without me.

But it's funny...
I still love and miss you.
I had a dream of you today.
We were at a water theme park playing.
We were having fun.

It's funny how my conscious mind doesn't tell me I'm dreaming.
Perhaps it's because I wanted it that way.
Thank you God for letting me love Elinna in my dreams.

But I'm awake now. Missing you.

My sad love story explained in 30 seconds

Woman knows man for 4 months and falling in love with him: Such a sweet love story
Woman is together with man for 4 months before staying over for the night: Such deep love
Woman does all these 3 months after a failed relationship: The will to move on from failures
Woman does all these 3 months after a failed 8 year relationship: Strong will to move on from failures
Finding out about all these 6 months after the breakup when you're the ex and trying to patch: Fucking priceless
~My sad love story explained in 30 seconds~

Keeping the pain in...

How does it feel to be really really hurt?
How does it feel to be really really hurt and no one knows?
How does it feel to be really really hurt and no one knows and cares?
How does it feel when the love of your live moves on ahead without you?
How does it feel when you're waiting quietly for someone to turn back and instead all you find are memories and new futures?

Guess I'll just sit here and wait...
Until my patience fails...
Until my toughness falls...
Until my dignity tells me to lose it all...

But until then... I'll be waiting...
Like I have been waiting from even it all began...
Just quietly sitting by and waiting for you to turn back.